The Day the Steve Harvey Show Had Me In Tears

Over the last three months it seems several days a week I'm feeding Eden and folding laundry around the 3 p.m. hour when The Steve Harvey show is on. He is always good for a laugh.  Today, my ears piped up as I heard him announce he had adult twins looking for their birth-mom and even though they did not know it, their birth-mom was there to meet them for the first time.

First Segment:
As soon as the twins, who are in their mid-20s started to share about their life I immediately started having a negative reaction. They were saying things like, "We just want to thank her because if she hadn't given us up we probably wouldn't be where we are today." And "We believe we are better off because of the decision she made." These are honest and probably very true statements. I try to stay unbiased, I really do. But my heart bleeds for birth-parents.  Both of the adoptees are very successful according to American standards: College grads, Christians, successful jobs, philanthropic involvements. They've obviously been given a solid foundation and are very blessed financially, physically and spiritually.  While I can definitely celebrate that, I was thinking about how will that birth-mom feels as she listens to this? Will it make her feel better or feel worse? It was really bothering me.  Certainly she wanted her twin babies to have a better life but that means she was not a part of it. 

As I was listening to this I began to weep. Sometimes I feel angry that birth-parents are always seem to be known as what's NOT best for their kids. I feel angry that birth-moms on welfare are perceived as less than parents who have money. I feel angry when I hear adoptees say thank you to their birth-parents for giving them a BETTER life.  BUT, what I realized more than my anger is that it just HURTS so bad that I was not what was best for my first born. That will never stop hurting! I know I'm not the stereotypical birth-parent. I wasn't on welfare. I was a recent college graduate. But, I decided that the most important thing for the my firstborn was a two parent, Christian home and THAT, I could not give her.  And it hurts and it always will. Today the band-aid that covers this wound got ripped off, again. And the band-aid of grief that some of us know all too well will continue to get ripped off, oftentimes, when we least expect it.

Second Segment:
During the second segment the adopted twins were surprised by their birth-mother being there and met her for the first time. The male twin hung his head and wept. The female twin was absolutely speechless.  She had no words.  Adoptions should not go this way, if at all possible.  No child should have to wonder where they came from, who they look like, and the BIGGEST question that almost every adoptee needs answered is WHY? Why did my birth-parent "give me up"? The female twin was clearly conflicted about the reunion and even said prior to the birth-mother coming out that she had a lot of questions. One question she wanted to ask is, "Did she ever think about us afterwards?" OH MY GOSH! That question breaks me!!! For any adopted person out there, trust me when I say that your birth-mother has not gone 1 day without thinking about you. Not one day! She wonders if she made the right decision. She hopes you are happy and healthy and that you will understand her decision and prays you never feel abandoned!

And then I cried again and I just had to pause and thank God that my firstborn will never have to search for me because she knows who I am. She knows my husband, my other children, my family. I am welcomed into her home and into her life.  She's heard me tell her, "I Love You!" And I am so thankful for that. I can't imagine all of her questions are answered at this point but I thank God she knows I am here when/if more questions come. 

Friends, Adoption involves LOSS. At some point in the process every member of the adoption triad is affected: adoptee, adopted parent, birth-parent.  Today I witnessed loss as all three parties cried.  I don't know what all of their tears meant but I pray some healing comes. God bless them all!

Coming Out of the Closet: "I'm a Birth Mom!"

There I said it!

Sometimes people don't even know what that means. I have had to explain so many times what a Birth Mom is. I placed my firstborn child for adoption. One time I had a midwife just not getting it. So I continued and continued to try to explain it. By the end we were both sweating.

It really must be that uncommon...or maybe birth parents are just underrepresented.

What's the balance between not defining who I am based on this title and yet honoring that it is a significant part of who I am?

When I got hired at CCU to be the RD I remember in my interview answering honestly to what I had been doing the past few years since undergrad. I said I had a baby that I placed for adoption and I needed to take some time to heal so I worked for a year as a waitress and a substitute teacher and lived with my parents to save money and to focus on healing emotionally. The responses from the interview team varied but I remember the lady who would become my boss saying that she would expect me not to share that with the CCU students. (Shame Inducing Statement) Of course, I knew that the goal would not be to share it with every student but what was I suppose to do with my pictures of my firstborn? I didn't want to hide them because that felt like I had done something wrong.

When I had to sit across from the Dean of Student Development at Anderson University (a man I deeply respected and babysat for) to share with him the news of my unplanned pregnancy which was particularly relevant to him as I was the Director of New Student Orientation that was to take place in just four weeks from that time I will never forget his response. He prayed for me and he said "Priscilla, I believe this is going to be a redeemed story in your life." What a profound statement. Thank you God, it is! But I have been shy to tell it. I fear others' responses. I fear being misunderstood or even judged. I hear comments that were made to me when I chose adoption for my firstborn. "You are a disgrace to our family!...How dare you name your daughter Grace!" "I can't help it that you don't WANT your daughter!" "God has told me you are making the wrong decision!" And honestly I could go on with that list. No matter how hard I try to forget I still hear all of those judgmental statements in my head.

One of the greatest conundrums I have found in regarding sharing this description of myself as a Birth Mom is that that title and what that means to me is one of the most precious things in my heart and in my life. The way I feel about my firstborn and the way I feel as a Birth Mom is so precious that I feel completely naked every time I share it with someone for the first time. I put open myself up to be judged, criticized, and even misunderstood. Sometimes I am not strong enough to put those false accusations to rest. When I am weak I wonder if people are right?

I have to constantly bring myself back to the truth:

• I am a Birth Mom to beautiful 8 1/2 year old girl.
• I have the privilege of sharing in her life through open adoption.
• I don't have to feel shame about my unplanned pregnancy. I know that God forgave me.
• I don't have to feel ashamed of my decision. I made the best decision I knew to make at that specific time in my life, with my specific circumstances.
• I don't have any control of what ultimately comes from this situation. I pray that my firstborn will not feel abandoned by her birth family. I pray she will know she was and is loved and was never unwanted.
• The truth is always best. My firstborn knows who I am. She is still gaining a complete understanding of it. My son, Simon and any future children will always know the truth of our family. I want my children to know all of who their Mom is.

When I became a Pregnancy and Adoption Counselor at Catholic Charities, it was understood that I wouldn't share my with clients that I am a Birth Mom. And I agreed with this from a professional perspective. But I also realize that nine years later, I have largely hidden this aspect of my life from people. In the most recent years, I have tried to practice just mentioning it when it's appropriate. I don't always correct people when they refer to the number of children I have or the number of pregnancies I have had incorrectly. I don't always tell people but I am starting to try to integrate this as naturally as I can into my life. It's been freeing.

Every time I get pregnant, I just become overwhelmed, almost consumed with thoughts about adoption and being a birth parent. I think it just stirs my heart thinking about to my first pregnancy and delivery experience and all of the raw emotions and stories that come with that. I really believe I need to share my story, all of it. From this point on, I am going to shamelessly practice writing about this on our blog. It just might end up in a book, even if it's never published.