After two healthy pregnancies and deliveries I had not really considered myself at risk for a miscarriage. Eric and I found out we were pregnant on December 30, 2010. We were more than thrilled. We had been excited to have another child and were open to it ever since I had Simon. We thought the timing of this baby was perfect. Simon would get to have an active and fun summer with trips to pools, parks, and lots of time outside before the baby came at the end of August. I quickly began to have morning sickness all day every day in early January and was throwing up all the way to last Wednesday night. On Thursday morning we had a regular pregnancy appt. and Eric came with us so that he could hear the baby's heart beat. The nightmare started when the midwife could not find the heart beat. She tried to be positive and give some reasons why she may not hear it. Then she did a physical exam and said my uterus felt about 7 weeks pregnant and not 12, almost 13 as suspected. From here the comments went downhill. She said, "Maybe you're not as far along as we thought." I started to get upset b/c I knew to the day when we conceived. She sent us to the hospital to get an early ultrasound. The whole day began to gain a dark cloud around it although we still tried to remain positive. The ultrasound tech would not make eye contact and she offered no positive feedback. As soon as the ultrasound started I asked if there was a heart beat and she responded, "I'm not quite there yet". I've seen enough ultrasounds to know that the heart beat is very visible especially at 12 weeks. She then informed us that she needed to go get the Dr. We knew then that our baby was no longer living. The Dr. was as nice and as empathetic as he could possibly be but he had no good news for us. The baby stopped growing at 11 weeks, 5 days. He said it had probably just happened in the last few days. I was so confused why I hadn't had any signs and why my body was still acting pregnant. He said it can take your body 7 to 10 days to recognize the miscarriage. There was a moment I will always cherish. I was still laying on the ultrasound table sobbing and Simon came up and laid on me for a while. It was such an amazing moment. It was like he knew I needed that. I have so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful...
1) Eric was with me at this appointment so that we could support each other.
2) I am thankful we found out so quickly. I could have heard the heart beat a few days earlier and been shocked to experience a miscarriage.
3) I am thankful I did not experience a miscarriage at home.
4) I am thankful we were able to have a D&C the following day.
5) The Midwives are so amazing and so giving of themselves. We saw three different ones from our practice between Thursday and Friday and felt loved by each of them.
6) We are so thankful for such generous friends and family who have showered us with love, food, flowers and support.
7) I am thankful for Simon who has not skipped a beat and has so much energy. I can't lay around and wallow b/c he needs me. And when he comes to give me a hug, it's such a huge blessing.
8) And of course I'm thankful for Eric. I feel so blessed to call him husband and I would choose no one else to go through a loss with.
Due to my past losses I have always feared either not being able to conceive or not being able to carry a pregnancy. In so many ways, one of my biggest fears just became a reality. But thankfully I am not angry at God at this time. Our church is going through a series right now about big questions. "Doubt vs. Belief", "Suffering vs. a Loving God", "Jesus vs. Religion", etc. Eric and I left the Doubt vs. Belief service and we processed how thankful we are that we have such a firm foundation of faith. We owe a lot of this to our parents for raising us in the church. I understand theologically why there is suffering in the world. And I accept this miscarriage as not God's plan for us but as part of the fall of man. I do also know, by faith, that the Lord will use this loss to bring Him glory. I don't know how but I know He will. I know that by faith I will try to conceive and hope to become a mother again. If I don't or can't, we will pursue other options to expand our family.
I am a planner. I like schedules. I crave predictability. I wanted this baby to be a part of our future. I had already dreamed about so many things for our family that involved this baby. I will grieve all of those dreams that are lost. But the Lord continues to bring me back to surrendering my plan and my schedule. I don't really have that much control anyways. The Lord knows the desires of my heart and he wants me to prosper. He loves us and wants good things for us. But in the end I have to trust Him. Just like I had to trust Him when I waited for what seemed like an eternity to meet Eric who would become my husband. I will wait for another child. And in the meantime, I pray that I will love the heck out of Simon and not take him for granted. I pray that Eric and I will be drawn closer together through this. I pray that we will grieve a loss that is significant for our family.