A Tribute to my Mom

This blog post came to me a few nights ago when I couldn't sleep. It's funny how that always seems to happen. I recently told Eric that I want to be a Fun Mom. Please note: Fun Mom does not = Cool Mom.

My Mom was a very fun Mom and I honor her for that today. I remember her dancing in the kitchen while she was making dinner or doing dishes. She never swept the floor without doing a little jig with the broom. I remember her putting whole chickens that she would clean up on the counter and making it "talk" to us. I remember her doing synchronized index finger dancing on the steering wheel while she was driving. I will always remember a story she told me about a time she was pushing me in the stroller into Elder Beerman (throw back) and the stroller totally collapsed on me. And after she checked to make sure I was ok we both erupted into uncontrollable laughter. When we recall certain stories like that one, we still share a contagious laughter. My sister gets in on that too. And our husbands, including my dad, will just sit there looking confused because they have no idea what we are laughing about. She was a fun Mom and that sense of humor, that good old fashioned fun never compromised her authority or the structure that our family had. When I was living at home after college I finally talked my mom into getting her eyebrows waxed. I went with her to support her. When that tech pulled off the tape for the first time we died laughing at the whole eyebrow that was on the tape. Then we laughed again when she took off a whole other eyebrow with the next tape. Mom looked in the mirror and she still had the equivalent of an eyebrow left. We couldn't stop laughing and I think the Esthetitian thought we were nuts. But another remarkable thing about my Mom is that she can laugh at herself.

Here's my Mom having fun square dancing with her partner Mae at our wedding:


My Mom was not a Cool Mom. She has never worn hip clothes. She never wears makeup (unless maybe some rouse to a special event). She always cries at weddings and baptisms and would embarrass us to death when we were young. She has refused to die her hair during the past few transitional years into gray. I have grown to admire that more and more over the years. She is a simple and a beautiful woman. One who has never given into the world and the world's standards. Instead she is a woman of faith. A faithful and loving wife and mother. She knows how to serve others more than anyone I've ever experienced. She is passionate about teaching. She is a loyal friend. The status of Cool is ever changing. All you have to do is pick up an In Style magazine to see that. When you focus on character instead of cool, life is so much simpler.

In the end maybe the fun Mom is the Coolest Mom. I had real conversations with my Mom. And although I sometimes held things back, for the most part I was able to be honest with my Mom.
In my teenage years, I had some very mean and disrespectful moments and on several accounts I remember my Mom also handling that with humor. She quoted Proverbs 31:28 "Her children rise up and call her Blessed." Mom would say, "Priscilla, One day you will rise up and call me Blessed!". I would laugh. I was so mean. But over the years as I have grown into a God-fearing Woman I have called her Blessed. A few years ago I found a Mother's Day card with that quote and I knew it was the perfect card for her.

As a Mom of two daughters, my Mom modeled great characteristics for my sister and me. She constantly had to battle our desires to want the cool clothes and cool cars. She instilled some incredible values in us. I wonder how much she was conscious of that or if it just flowed out of who she is? I, of course, still struggle with wanting to be cool, even at the age of 31. But I am so thankful I have a Mother who has modeled what a truly beautiful woman of Christ looks like. Really, all of Proverbs 31 describes my Mother. I hope to be half the Mom to my kids as she was and is to me!

The Woman Who Fears the Lord

10 An excellent wife who can find?

She is far more precious than jewels.

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,

and he will have no lack of gain.

12 She does him good, and not harm,

all the days of her life.

13 She seeks wool and flax,

and works with willing hands.

14 She is like the ships of the merchant;

she brings her food from afar.

15 She rises while it is yet night

and provides food for her household

and portions for her maidens.

16 She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

17 She dresses herself with strength

and makes her arms strong.

18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night.

19 She puts her hands to the distaff,

and her hands hold the spindle.

20 She opens her hand to the poor

and reaches out her hands to the needy.

21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,

for all her household are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes bed coverings for herself;

her clothing is fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is known in the gates

when he sits among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them;

she delivers sashes to the merchant.

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,

and she laughs at the time to come.

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

27 She looks well to the ways of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

29 “Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all.”

30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,

and let her works praise her in the gates.

While I know that some of this passage is from a different time period I can still draw the characteristics in the meaning. My Mom is a hard worker. She has stood behind her Husband, my Father. She has a servant's heart and she worked hard to take care of her family. She still does work hard to take care of her family, as most recently evidenced by her devotion to her Father following the passing of her Mom. My Mom fears the Lord more than she fears the World. She is wise in that she knows that Charm is deceptive and Beauty is fleeting. And yet she is beautiful with a natural beauty. Her Children and her Grandchildren do rise and call her Blessed!

Ideal Family, Part II

Ideal Family, Part 2

I recently wrote about trying to obtain an ideal family. The ideal family definitely looks different for each individual. Remember the quote regarding the American dream: "2.5 children, white picket fence,etc"? I think it's very important to tune into our expectations about our families. Sometimes, we have unspoken expectations that continue to drive us without even realizing it. If a large family is important to you, you will definitely feel some pressure to continue to grow and perhaps even a sense of dissatisfaction without having attained that standard. Perhaps you dream of a minivan overflowing with kids, laughter, and chaos. Maybe you have decided you just want to focus and raise one child. Perhaps, you want to become a parent so badly, you have decided to adopt as a single parent.

Over the past few years I have noticed a growing trend towards larger families. While I don't have an overall concern with this I have grown concerned at times by an insistence to fulfill an ideal family at the expense of one's existing family. Have you ever witnessed the harried mom who is constantly stressed out and feeling inadequate and yet continues to add more children to her family? Have you heard a husband and wife say that they can't remember the last time they actually sat down and had a real conversation and yet see no concern over adding more chaos to their family? Have you heard a woman say, "I'm tired of waiting for Mr. Right. I'm going to take matters into my own hands"? On the other side of the fence, I have witnessed families completely broken down by infertility struggling to find acceptance for what appears to be a shattered dream for their ideal family. I have cried with friends over losses of pregnancies, lost hopes for healthy babies, breakdowns in the family unit.

I believe God wants more for us and for our families. What if we allowed the Lord to guide and direct our process of growing our families? I have so much admiration for families that are willing to dig deep and put aside their ideals in order to do what's best for their families. I have seen families have a special needs child and suddenly they are faced with a crisis regarding their ideal family. I have seen families accept their infertility and wholeheartedly embrace the prospect of adoption. I have been blessed beyond measure by families who love their foster and adoption children as their very own. I have seen families allow their ideals to be transformed in order to love their special needs child and to provide for them the best way possible, even if that means holding off on growing their families in number. I have seen families put having more children on hold for financial reasons, whether that be a job change or a desire to pay down debt, all for the sake of wanting to do what's best for their children. I have heard a mom say that she wants more children but knows that's not what's best for her whole family and sacrifices that desire. I honor that that kind of honesty and humility.

What if we could take a hard look inside of ourselves and ask what is motivating us to achieve our ideal families? What is it about that ideal that makes us feel complete or whole? I have seen expectations based on ideals cause a lot of pain. I have seen a son feel alienated by his family because he is not successful scholastically. I have seen marriages fail over sick children. I have seen children feel an incredible amount of pressure to fulfill their parent's dreams. What if you are the only girl out of a family of three boys and you learn that you were conceived in order to fulfill your mom's lifelong dream of having a girl. Isn't that a lot of pressure to put on children? What if this girl from three boys turns out to be a tom boy and doesn't meet her mother's girly expectations? Likewise, how many times have you heard children referred to as the "oops baby"? Now I know some people say this in vein but in all seriousness does this not speak again to an ideal family mentality?

What if we could strip all of our expectations of an ideal family and ask the Lord to be the author of our families? Certainly the Lord cares about the desires of our hearts and it never hurts to express that to Him. I happen to believe the Lord's ways are better than mine. That means, he might have plans for my family that I could not have possibly dreamed up on my own. I want to be open to His plans for my life. I have a long way to grow in this area but I am certainly praying for this.

Adoption Rant

Today I heard a caller on the radio share the good news that her brother was on his way back from Haiti with his two new adopted children. That's so exciting! But then my heart sank when I heard her say that she is going to get to meet them next week when they all go on a (extended) family vacation. What!?!?!

This tapped into one of my adoption nerves. (I have many adoption nerves) These kids are going to be going through so much change. They need time to adjust. They need time to learn who their new mother and father are. They need time to get used to a new time change. They need to find new American foods that they like. They need time to grieve all of their losses from leaving Haiti. Losses from leaving Haiti???, you ask. Well Heck Yes! Their whole world as they knew it is gone. They may/may not even understand what is happening to them. They probably have some language barriers. They will probably have much bigger spaces to live in. They will probably be overwhelmed by all of the STUFF we Americans have. They will be Overstimulated!!!

When might they be ready for a large family vacation? The answer to that is probably no time soon. They need time to define their new nuclear family. They need to time to build trust in their new parents. They need time to get used to the new sights and smells amongst them. This celebration of this wonderful ADOPTION is a huge deal!!!!!!!!!!! Why don't we acknowledge this? Why don't we want to accept this? Ok, I know I know. It might just be ignorance. But that's another adoption nerve. Why aren't we stressing the need for adoption education more? Whether it is a domestic adoption or an international adoption we all need to be educated. We need to be prepared. We need to be humbled. We need to be reminded that while adoption is a wonderful thing, it's not easy. It's complex and we need to honor all of the complexities.

#needed to vent

The Ideal Family

What is your ideal family? Now, come on and be honest. We all have ideas about our perfect family. Maybe it's a boy and a girl. Maybe it's three kids just like the family you came from. Maybe it's little girls because you love girly things like tutus, hair bows and dresses.

What process do we go through when we decide to grow our families?
We live in a world where people try hard to plan their perfect families with the perfect timing. You often hear people planning pregnancies around work schedules. You hear people talk about getting their house first before they start their family. You hear people saying that they want their children to be exactly three years apart.

I remember my husband and I tentatively discussing our plans for children when we got married. We initially adopted the typical 3-5 year plan to have children. After some complications with pregnancy preventatives, we began to educate ourselves on Natural Family Planning. I loved the idea of NFP but I was struck by how much time and attention I would need to give in order to be successful with this. I started to feel convicted that we should release control over this. I asked myself why are we on a 3-5 year plan? I could come up with no good answers. We didn't have our first house yet but what did that have to do with being ready to have children? I was nervous to share my thoughts to stop trying to plan or prevent a pregnancy with my husband, but he was completely on board. Letting go of that ideal time frame was incredibly freeing. I felt freer than I had in a long time.

Do we really believe God is in control of growing our families?
We know that there are several religions that believe in allowing God to be in control completely by not taking any preventative measures or medical interventions to conceive. I don't know all the answers, I just know that for our family surrendering our plan was very freeing and it felt that we were allowing God to be the author of our family. Now, three years later I am faced with being challenged to trust God to grow my family on the other end of the spectrum. Don't think for a minute I was exempt from having my ideal family too. I have always envisioned having 3-4 children and that they would be close together in age. I came from a family of two girls and we are two years apart. I always wanted a brother. I love large families. I love the chaos. I love all the different relationships each member has with each other. After our son was born, we continued the journey of allowing God to grow our family. It looked as though our first two children would be 23 months apart. I was so excited about that timing. Inside I would have been happy to be pregnant again as soon as my son was about 9 months old. Isn't it easy to trust God when we are getting what we really want? I unexpectedly lost that pregnancy at 12 weeks. I was devastated. I have prayed for acceptance. I have prayed to release again my desires to the Lord. And here we are... surrendering control over growing our family. It is scary. Sometimes I worry that I won't be able to conceive and carry again. Sometimes I start to think maybe I need to start looking at other options to grow our family. But I am more feeling the urge to release control and to allow God to grow me in the process. Who doesn't like control? Of course I would love to be able to dictate when and how I will grow my family but at this time, that's not what I feel called to.

What role does faith play in your ideal family?
I truly believe that I will one day look back on this time in my life and see God's authorship throughout our journey. I am reminded to look at the bigger picture. I am going to take care of what the Lord has given me today. I know He knows the desires of hearts. He loves us and wants us to prosper. I look around and see his mercies that are new every day. I am grateful for our son who I have the privilege of raising with my loving husband.

Here's to the next chapter...

The Lord Provides for our Heart's Desire...RD World

I am amazed by the way that the Lord has laid out his blessings in my life.
I know a lot of people don't get the whole RD (Resident Director) thing. People frequently call me a RA, think I live in a dorm room, and the confusion goes on.
The truth is ever since College I have wanted to a RD. I know it's hard to believe but it's true. When I graduated from Anderson U. I was unfortunately not in a place emotionally where I could pursue that dream. After taking a year and a half off from school I decided to pursue my MA in Counseling at CCU.

Right after I graduated, my two best friends from Grad school and I went on our annual trip to her Uncle's condo in Florida. My mentor had just given me the book "Dream Giver" and I vividly remember walking on the beach praying to the Lord about my future endeavors and feeling like the Lord was bringing back my dream to be a RD. It was hard to want that b/c I had just completed my MA in counseling and was ready to get into a counseling job. So I just kept praying and even remember having a specific conversation with Rachel about being a RD at CCU.

I received a call from the Dean of Women at that time the next month inquiring about my interest in becoming a RD at CCU. Wow. CCU is a small, private, Christian college. The dorm size is small. And due to that, I was able to also work as a counselor at another dream job (Pregnancy/Adoption Counselor...another story) at the same time. How was this possible? I was offered two positions I always wanted in the same time period.

I had no idea what I was doing when I first started as the RD. My first year was very stressful and the dorm was busting. Girls were living on top of each other which created a lot more conflict. It was an intense year. But its amazing to me how each year I have grown and learned and it's become a natural part of our lives. I know the rhythms of the school year. I am better prepared to deal with roommate conflicts when they arise. I feel more confident in my leadership. I am more light hearted when problems arise. The only other career I have considered outside of Counseling and Student Development is teaching at the college level. After a brief email to the head of the Psych. program here at CCU, I was offered two undergrad classes to teach. Crisis & Grief Counseling and Abnormal Psychology. What a challenging and rewarding experience. This also increased my exposure to commuter and male students, which was awesome. I hope to still teach at CCU in the future.

Well, Eric and I have lived in two different dorms during our tenure at CCU. Our apt now is definitely a lot more spacious than the first. We have worked with well over 500 women during this time. I have served with three different RDs/friends, two different bosses and 25 different RA's (who I love!!!) Many students have become dear friends of ours. We will forever cherish our time here. I will miss all of the knocks on the door (even the late nights). I will miss the in- depth conversations. I will miss mentoring women. I will miss the drama. I will miss the screaming, singing, dancing, laughing and slamming doors. I will miss witnessing the 18 year old girls turn into women during their time at CCU. I will miss the uplifting Christian atmosphere.

A lot has happened in our lives in the past five years.
The run down of our time here...
May 2006 Graduate
July 2006 Begin RD job
Sept. 2006 Get Penny, my dog who was a puppy then
Sept. 2006 Meet Eric
Oct. 2006 Begin Adoption/Pregnancy counselor job
May 2007 Engaged
July 2007 Married
August 2007 Eric starts his MA in Healthcare Administration
December 2008 Pregnant
September 2009 Simon is born
December 2009 Finish working as a counselor
January 2010 Move to the bigger dorm apt.
January 2010 Begin teaching two undergrad Psychology classes at CCU
May 2010 Eric Graduates with his MA and goes right into his first job (Praise God)
September 2010 Began leading the Moms group at our church
December 2010 Pregnant again
February 2011 Miscarriage
March 2011 Buy our first Home
June 2011 Move to our first home

It has been a crazy ride! Thinking about CCU entails so much more than just living in a dorm for FIVE years. We have so many memories here. So many faces. So many women who have entered our "home" and spent time with our family. It has been such an honor and a privilege. Who wouldn't want to live with people like these...

Recently Eric and I were talking as I was expressing sadness over our decision to move on from CCU and Eric was encouraging me that I will still have opportunities to build into women's lives. It will just be in different ways. And I don't know what those ways will be but I'm trusting God to open the doors. I also am seeing my time needing to be largely invested into my little family. They deserve my affection, time and emotional presence. There's no doubt that there are times the family takes the back seat from the job. More family time will be a welcomed change.

One last thing to mention that is also hard for people to believe is that Eric wholeheartedly engages in this RD world. He has enjoyed it as much as I have. His one complaint is that in five years, no one has knocked on the door for him...lol. But the truth is, Eric has offered the residents a lot of truth and wisdom over the years as well. What a blessing to me that he has supported and encouraged me in my role.

Postmodern effects on Parenting

Yesterday I caught a few minutes of The View (even though I was supposed to be studying for my upcoming licensure exam). Here's the thing....I love the View. I know so many people hate it but over the years I enjoy catching snippets of the show. I like to know what is going on in the industry and what popular views are being shared. Yesterday was a perfect case in point. Here is the advertisement of the segment from yesterday:

Out first guest, Rahna Reiko Rizzuto, left her children behind to focus on a career overseas then divorced her husband when she got back. Today, she revealed why she didn’t want to be a wife or mother anymore, and if she hadn’t gone to Japan, whether she thinks she would have had those feelings. To hear more of her story, pick up a copy of her book, Hiroshima in the Morning, which every member of our studio audience took home a copy of!

This is what I gathered from the segment. Rahna back peddled and claimed that she never wanted to be a mother. She said she did not become a mother until 34 because it took her and her husband a long time to decide. When she went to Japan for a research assignment for four months her sons were 3 and 5 years old. At that time she had been a full time stay at home mom. When she got to Japan she started having such a great time and started realizing she no longer wanted to be a full time mom or a wife. And to make matters better (sarcasm inserted here), her husband wanted to be a full time father so they rearranged everything. She moved down the street so that she was still close by and she gets to be a "mom at her best" part time. She said she really didn't enjoy being up seven times in the night with a child throwing up.

I really struggled mentally, which then affected me emotionally my first year of parenting. And I've come to realize it was because I was comparing everything to how my life was pre-motherhood. I would watch people reading at a bookstore with a hot cup of coffee and think about how I longed for that freedom again. I would think of how I needed to go to the dentist that I haven't been to for two years and how nothing is easy anymore. I have to hire a babysitter to go to the dentist now. In fact, if I was working I would at least be able to take an hour or two of PTO to go to doggone dentist. I would have pity parties for myself. I have really grown through this thinking. I have learned to accept and even better to enjoy this stage of my life. And I have learned how to better take time for me so that I can go get a cup of coffee and read a trash magazine at Barnes a Noble every once in a while.

Seeing this segment yesterday allowed me to realize how much our entitled and postmodern society infects us with lies. The lies tell us things like:
I deserve to be happy. (Of course you deserve to be happy but happiness is a temporary feeling. It comes and goes.)
I deserve to have the freedom to do what I want with my time.
If something doesn' t make me happy I can abort ship.
I deserve to be an independent woman and my marriage and kids have to fit in around that.
I shouldn't be "put out" by anyone, even if its my sick kid.
I want to be a mom. I just don't want to have to do all the icky work.

What is wrong with this picture????

First of all, God calls us to be fully selfless.
Philippians 2:4 "Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."
While I still struggle with being selfless which is often apparent in my relationship with my husband and my son, I am striving to be selfless. I know this is something I will need to continue to work on. When I start to get into negative thinking and want to throw myself a pity party because I'm focusing on the loss of freedoms I have, I take a step back and look at all I have to be thankful for. I am so blessed to be a mom and when I think about how the Lord has entrusted me to care for and to raise this sweet, innocent and impressionable Soul, I am overwhelmed with a sense of responsibility and honor.

God also calls us to contentment which means we are fully satisfied.

Hebrews 13:5-6 "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
I still struggle with being content. Of course I would love to be in Japan doing research. I would love to explore a different county and to partake in the finest of foods. I would love to be able to take a bubble bath in my fancy hotel and order room service. But, Hello that is not my reality. I am seeking to be content with what I have. I know I am richly blessed and have so much to be thankful for. I have to guard my heart. Sometimes I have to turn off the TV that displays Hollywood Moms who have nannies so that they can go get their nails done and drink wine with friends over their luncheon dates. (LOL) How about some representation from a real housewife? One that wakes up to help her husband get his lunch packed, his shirt ironed, takes the dog out, makes breakfast, cleans up breakfast, gives a bath, all before even thinking about being able to take her own bath or to sip on a cup of hot coffee. Joy can be found in any situation. I am finding that joy as a mom. But after a segment like Rahna's on the View I stand back and think it's no wonder people are so discontent and families don't last. We are all believing lies about what we deserve.
I believe that joy is so much richer when you also experience the ups and downs of everyday living. What kind of parent would I be if I only wanted the good times with my son? What kind of love would I be demonstrating if every time he was sick or up all night because he's teething I passed him off or resented him for putting me out? This is not the love of a parent. It's in those difficult times that you are then able to experience the fullness of joy in the good times. Need I also mention that all of this applies to marriage as well? Rahna left both roles. She says that her sons are now 13 and 15 years old and she has a great relationship with them. I genuinely hope she does have a relationship with her children but it scares me that she has modeled for them that when things are not satisfying in life, you bail. You walk away. Is this not postmodernism at its finest? Whatever makes you happiest, you should pursue despite what or who you leave behind.

Thankful

Today is one those days that I feel so full of joy...it's like exploding from me. The sun is shining and I'm more grateful than ever for being able to be a (primarily) stay-at-home Mom and to be a mom to Simon. I am appreciating and enjoying my relationship with Simon so much. He's getting so communicative. He came to the kitchen to get me to show me a tower he had built with Eric last week and it melted me. The fruits of my labor to build this environment of trust and security are showing. He's learning to play more independently but he doesn't go too far without coming to check in with me. I could have never imagined the joys of parenting.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how grateful I am that I have not been angry about the miscarriage. I think we've dealt with it really well, so far. We've really accepted it and are still very hopeful. I still think about wanting another baby every day...every hour...well, a lot.

We close on our first home on Tuesday, a week from today! We are very excited and thankful as we look to the future. I have such mixed emotions about leaving CCU, esp after being the RD for five years. It's been so memorable and such an amazing time in our lives. I will miss so many things...the students, the community, the noises at all hours of the night. But I am so looking forward to a fenced in yard, a play room, a garage to pull into instead of having to walk 2 minutes to get to my car while carrying Simon. I am also hopeful to make some neighborhood friends.

Many things to look forward to...